Tuesday, December 21, 2010

drum roll please lol lol

Well, it's that time of year again! The time for family, loved ones, warm gingerbread, and sitting around the fire enjoying the light buzz of a tranquilizer digesting in your tummy.

...OH! AnnND it's time to announce the WINNER of the Erin Berjaine MS Paint Christmas Competition!!!!!!! It was a TOUGH competition this year... we had entries coming in at the very last second! Entries and entries. I could barely keep them straight. ... NOT. There were only two. I COULD keep them straight.

The winner is.................

"CHRISTMAS SHORTS"! By Sherri D. !!!!

Since the photo was posted mere days ago, "Eat My Christmas Shorts, Dude" has become quite a popular saying around the internet. It's a real "meme", if you will.

As her prize for winning this prestigious honor, Sherri will receive something completely awesome {this is not considered a written agreement} that I find/buy/regift!

Friday, December 17, 2010

MS PAINT Christmas Edition - The Entries!
Please Vote!

Hey y'all!

So after begging and pleading and waiting, I managed to get TWO MS Paint entries for our Christmas contest. And here they are:

Entry #1: Trailer Park Santa

Entry #2: Christmas Shorts

Please VOTE in the comments section below! Winner will be given a wonderful* prize, TBA. Winner announced WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT ! (Monday, December 20.)

Thanks to ALL of the contestants. You have done good and/or mediocre work!

--> And to Bob, who asked me to put this contest on so he could enter/"win", I say a very poorly spelled "buh hum bug."

*probably crappy

Thursday, December 16, 2010

And Now... Another Installment of
"LOLing with Kijiji"

The "Free" section on Kijiji can be pretty entertaining. OR it can just contain sweet, exclusive deals!!

Check this out:

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Christmas Creations - MS Paint Contest!!!!

What the what? Two blog entries in the span of mere weeks? You are a very lucky crowd of devoted fans*! (*Small collection of people passing through by mistake.)

A young reader, Bob, mentioned today that I open up the annual MS Paint Christmas Contest. And what a good idea it was! I do think, however, that Bob has clandestine reasons for this sudden interest. You see, he has won the past TWO consecutive (and only) years !!!!!! Our friend Bob wants a Karyn Berjaine Weekly Newsletter MS Paint Christmas Edition Hat Trick! It might be a mouthful, but he wants it... (that's what she said...)

So, all that said, please draw me your best Christmas-themed picture using MS Paint.

Entry deadline is Wednesday, December 15. I'll post entries on Thursday, December 16. Voting in the comments section will then commence. The winner will be announced on Monday, December 20. God I love bolding things.

Please email your submission to kegermain@hotmail.com

To refresh your memory, last year's winning submission was:

I'll leave you with some additional inspiration. This is a prime example of the magic you can create with MS PAINT!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

You Have a New Facebook Friend Request: Imminent Death

I don't usually get a lot of Facebook friend requests from people I don't know. I'll get one every few months at the very most. But when I do get 'em, they are doozies.

I logged in last night and saw this:

Yeah. Prettttttttty flippin' harrowing. Let this be a lesson to everyone to always edit your thumbnail pic!! A bad thumbnail can make you look scary. So, anyway, I was feeling brave so thought I'd check out his profile. *deep breath* Here we go. At first glance, not too alarming.

(... I mean, besides his death stare, that is. )

However, upon closer inspection, I saw what was listed under "Activities."

... Yeah. Searching Internet. That's how he found ME!! *scream* Searching Internet. That doesn't sound creepy at all. . . . . .

Anyway, I hope he's nice. Or at least uploads lots of funny pics!!!!!! lolol

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

City Goes Berserk Over Love of Big Turk!

No one could have seen this coming. A fanciful status update proclaiming love of a candy bar. A couple of snide remarks. And then all hell breaks loose. The Turk War has started and it ain't sweet! There's something strange about people's reactions to Big Turks - people either LOVE them or HATE them.

I first realized this a few weeks ago when I innocently (and fatly) updated my status on Facebook to, "would be a lot thinner if Big Turks weren't so delicious." Well! I declare! The comments started pouring* in! And a few of them said I was gross and how could I like those? and Big Turks collect dust on the shelves because I'm the only one who likes them. I was pretty surprised. Big Turks have been around forever, and true, are for a distinguished palette. There ain't no nougat in these buggers. Y'all won't find your measly peanuts in here.

So, my pal Sherri Drewe read this status yesterday (3 weeks late) and became OUTRAGED! How could anyone hate Big Turks??? The sweet fruity gummy. The delicate load of milk chocolate. The bar itself shaped not unlike one hour glass on top of another. The bottom stamped with a criss-cross pattern like no other. How could anyone dislike this?

Sherri started up a Facebook group last night called "Liking Big Turks." Membership soared - as of this writing, a mere 24 hours later, we're up to 11 members. This group did not come without some controversy and hostility, however. Tonight a group called "Hating Big Turks" has also popped up on the popular social network. Membership is currently at three people. (editors note: one person has defied the Turk War by quietly becoming a member in both groups. No word on where his allegiance stands.)

Sherri has mentioned a few times that things have "spiraled out of control." The internet has been ablaze with group comments, hatred, and an unyielding love for the turk. "I'm getting scared. I don't know what the Non-Turks will do," whispers Drewe.

So, Non-Turks ... just continue sitting at home suckin' on your Malted Milk balls and gnawing on your licorice All-Sorts.

There are two types of people in this world - Turks and Non-Turks. Which one are you? Comment below!

(please note: all non-turk comments and insults will be removed immediately by a moderator from the Big Turk

*Fewer than 5 comments total

Friday, June 25, 2010

All Valuables Removed...?

AMA has this new thing where they give you a sticker for your car window that says, "ALL VALUABLES REMOVED."

But if you're like me, having the sticker wouldn't really change much. I'd still forget to bring in my emergency $5 bill and my iPod. So I made a new sticker for people like you and I. Feel free to print it out & tape it to your window:

Monday, June 14, 2010

Sneezing Politics

I grew up in a home where no one said "Bless you" after you sneezed. We sneezed, nothing was said, life went on.

Then I entered the "real world." A world where everyone - even complete strangers - jump at the chance to say "BLESS YOU!" right after I sneeze. It makes me try not to sneeze in public. It's so awkward.

I always cringe when someone sneezes, because I feel like they think I'm super rude if I don't say bless you. But then I also feel so dumb and awkward, squeaking out a "bless you." I don't want to be viewed as being rude. It's just how I was raised. Also, I think saying bless you is kind of dumb, to be honest.

In fact, I'd like to propose this - when two people first meet, they each say "bless you" to each other ... a sort of "blanket blessing", if you will. From that day forward, you won't have to say bless you when they sneeze, and vice versa. It's covered. 'Til the end of time.

This would be an especially good rule at work. I find it so awkward to bless people/be blessed for sneezing at work. I've only just started sneezing in front of other people ... so it's all new to me. I'd rather my sneezes go unnoticed.

Not to mention - blessing people for sneezing at work brings with it a bunch of new conditions/rules/questions:

  • If someone doesn't say "thank you" after you bless them, do you still say "bless you" the next time they sneeze? Or are you free from ever blessing them again?

  • If someone NEVER blesses you after you sneeze, yet blesses everyone else every time they sneeze, do you still bless them? Or do you sneeze, glare at them, shout "THANK YOU!!!" and turn back to your computer, typing angrily?

  • If you can't see the person who sneezes - say they're two offices away- can you be exempt from saying bless you? Or do I have to yell down the hall, "BLESS YOU! DEAR GOD! BLESS YOU!!!!!!!! WHOEVER YOU ARE!" ?


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Help - All of my Celebrity Crushes are from 1996!

Yesterday a co-worker sauntered up to me and started a pleasant light-hearted office conversation with me. Sipping her water, she asked me, "So.... who are your celebrity crushes?"

My mind went blank. Celebrity crushes? What a fun conversation. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of anyone's name to say. Not one. I stuttered out something about how Conan O'Brien is really funny and I wouldn't mind hanging out with him for an afternoon. My co-worker wrinkled her nose. Not good enough. Damn. So then I blurted out that I think Gordon Ramsey is pretty hot, even though he's about 20 years my senior and borderline abusive. Co-worker wrinkled up her nose again, displeased. Damn it!!

umm... let me think.

Brad Pitt?

Gavin Rossdale?

Enriquuoa Iglacceious? (sp?)

The blonde guy from Take That?

.... no, those won't do. After some more thought, all that came to mind were WOMEN!! I came up with 10 celebrity women who I have crushes on, but not one man. Is that weird? ... hmm don't answer.

I need new celebrity crushes! And I really need to study up on "New Hollywood." All of my crushes are from 1996.

Friday, May 21, 2010

ASSSKKKK KARYN: Wedding Wanker

Dear Karyn,

I have a wedding etiquette question for you! Did I spell etiquette right??? WAIT - Don't answer that. I don't want that to count as my one question.

Answer this one instead: What's the protocol on giving wedding gifts to people who didn't give you one? I just received a wedding invitation from a couple who came to my wedding and didn't get me diddly squat, not even a card. Now they're getting married and have requested guests give them cash as gifts.

Am I *required* to give them a present?


Long time reader for life



Yes you did spell "etiquette" right. Take care. bye-bye.

haha. jk jk.

Ok, here's my honest opinion - I would only get them a card. I'd say don't bother getting them anything -not even a card- but I can't imagine anyone being so rude as to not even bring a card to a wedding. And I would definitely NOT get them a gift, especially not money. It sounds like they're clueless when it comes to giving & friendship & other people's needs, but greedy when it comes to their own.

It may sound petty, but they didn't give you diddly squat, don't give THEM diddly squat. And don't even get me started on how rude it is to request monetary gifts at your wedding!

On second thought, maybe anonymously give the bride this book....



Thursday, May 6, 2010

Lament, re: Tropical Scent!

I purchased some handy dandy disposable razors yesterday. Venus brand, yaknow? I chose some nice bright colored ones to help my shaving experience seem more fun. But there's something weird about these razors... the handles are scented. ...

Handles. Scented. I don't get it?? What is the purpose of having scented handles on a razor? Do people smell their razor handles? Should I be smelling my razor handles? Now I'm going to feel obligated to smell my razor handles in the middle of shaving everytime. Probably several times per shave, in fact. I don't want that sweet tropical scent to go to waste. This is going to add several minutes to my shower routine. :(
edit UPDATE: After all of that, the handles barely smell!!! I honestly can't discern any tropical scent, or any scent for that matter (besides plastic), on them!!

Friday, April 23, 2010

So Embarrassing, right?

Ugh... what if that was you in the forefront of this Lindsay Lohan paparazzi picture? So embarrassing, right??

Your time to shine - your time to be plastered all over the internet... and this is your face. This is your in-the-middle-of-blinking or sneezing or swallowing-your-giant-lump-of-gum face. Truly horrifying!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Help! I don't have any hobbies!


Today a new co-worker asked me what I do in my spare time.... what my HOBBIES are. I
realized in that instant that I don't HAVE any hobbies!! Not one! All I do is nap and watch trashy reality TV shows. So I tried thinking of things I could say - searching my mind for something that could be considered a hobby that wouldn't make me a liar. I came up with nothing. NOTHING. I can't say that watching TV is my only hobby.

What can I say next time someone asks me this question?


Horrible Hobbies in Houston (and by Houston, I mean Edmonton)

p.s. I don't want to actually start any real hobbies, don't even suggest it.

Dear HHiH(abHimE),

I could answer this question a heck of a lot easier f you would just lie. Or, more specifically, let me lie for you.

For some reason the first thing that popped into my head was say your hobby is "horseback riding." After all, it's a respected hobby that would understandably take up a lot of your (pretend) time... so you wouldn't have to come up with any other hobbies. You could just say "Yeah, I ride my sweet steed 'Juicy' around the ranch pretty much every day. I like to pat her strong chestnut haunches and brush her long thick tail into braids" and be done with it. (Not that I've ever thought at length about what I would name a horse or how I would spend my time with a horse. ....)

But noooooo... you won't lie. You're too good for Juicy.

OK, so, since you want to be truthful, I think you should just say you are a real supporter of the arts. TV is an art. And besides, the statement "I am a real supporter of the arts" can be kind of intimidating to most people, so there would be very little chance of a follow up question. Most people (including, hopefully, your music teacher) will simply smile and say "Ahh! Very nice. So am I. So am I."

No one needs to know that you consider Paradise Hotel and Double Shot at Love with the Ikki Twins "art."


Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Puppy Purse

Every once in a while, I come across something that fascinates and disgusts me all at the same time. Usually I rush to this blog to share it with you. Usually I don't think twice. This blog entry, however, is different. I have been apprehensive about sharing this with you. I've gone back and forth on it. Should I post this? Shouldn't I? Is this too weird? Too disturbing? I've decided to post it, though. It's like when a song is stuck in your head - and you can't get it out until you tell someone else what the song is. That is the main reason I am sharing these images with you. To get them out of my head.

This is a "Puppy Purse." A leather purse that is shaped like a puppy. It is NOT a real puppy....... (let's hope.)

Horrifying, isn't it? ugh. So sick. I hate it.

I'm so sorry for posting this. I do, however, feel better already!

Friday, January 29, 2010

I'd Like to "Shoo" These Away!
(....I'm sorry... I'm really bad at blog titles.)

Tyler came home the other day with a new pair of "shoes." I had just woken up from a nap, and as such was still quite groggy. My eyes barely open, my mind still swimming in dreams, I opened my bedroom door and began walking down the hallway. Just then, he came around the corner and announced his new purchase. Pointing down at his feet, he proclaimed, "Look! I got new shoes!"

My eyes, following his excited gaze, saw these:

My world spun, everything I had known to be true until that moment fell away. My brain rejected what it saw. No, it can't be! These aren't shoes! Noooooooo! Dear god, no.

And I was right. These aren't run-of-the-mill shoes. Oh, no. These are a new (well, new to me) kind of footwear called "Vibram Five Fingers." T
hey are a tight sheath-type material... with 5 toe "pockets" for your dumb toes to go into. The bottom of the "shoe" is hard, so it is meant for outdoor wear. I guess they are extremely comfortable.

The idea behind these things, according to the website is, "The typical human foot...(has) 26 bones, 33 joints, 20 muscles, and hundreds of sensory receptors, tendons and ligaments. Like the rest of the body, to keep our feet healthy, they need to be stimulated and exercised.

That's why we recommend wearing FiveFingers for exercise, play and for fun. Stimulating the muscles in your feet and lower legs will not only make you stronger and healthier, it improves your balance, agility and proprioception."

Yeah. It also improves your chances of being mistaken for a gorilla from the knees down. Am I right??

These ones would look like normal shoes from a 500 meter distance:

I don't know... I just find them so weird... and a bit creepy. And I'm not the type to think feet are gross or to judge about foot wear. Hell, I wear Crocs! And I love them. But these "FiveFingers" are so......... bizarre looking. That said, I can see them being good for wearing to the beach or as water shoes.

I have asked Tyler not to wear these in public. He says he's going to.

God help me.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Hey cheesy friends, I'm in a jam!!!! LOL LOL*

Does anyone out there eat cheese and jam sandwiches? It was recently brought to my attention that this is a thing. That people go out of their way to create this - a (usually) grilled cheese sandwich slathered with jam. ewwwwwww. It turns my stomach.

I know people like to eat cheese and fruit from a platter while sipping wine. When such occasions occur, I try to remain calm, slowly take a piece of cheese, chew it, swallow it, drink something to cleanse my pallet and THEN eat a piece of fruit. I don't put these two sundries in my mouth at the same time. But especially on a sandwich... it just seems unappetizing to me. It's the classic "savory doesn't belong with sweet" argument. Am I in the minority again?

I actually had to google image search it to prove to myself it existed and I wasn't just being tricked. The ol' cheese-and-jam trick. And, it's real! Look!

(This last picture isn't of cheese & jam sandwiches but look how CUTE they are!!!!! ... and you know WHY they're so cute? Because their insides are made of meat and nothing else. Please eat their watermelon legs for dessert.)

*Sorry for this title. I only gave it .04 seconds of thought. What else could I have called it, though? ... "Say Cheese and Pass Me a Sandwich"? That was the only other thing I could come up with.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Filler Blog...
it's really not very good.

Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in! It's ME!

I know I've been neglecting this blog for a while now... but I have a reason! My life has been too normal lately! Nothing odd, interesting or hilariously traumatic has happened to me in ages. It sucks.

I have been praying for a blog idea to fall into my lap and unfort, it hasn't happened. So, here are a bunch of funny/stupid things I came across on the internet:

I have no idea what "Tee Hee Gees Gees" means, but this picture is pretty good, I guess. (please make sure you read the article.)

I'm a silly pig! ~Mr. Bean Voice

I'm a puppy and I'm smiling - which is pretty funny if you think about it.

I'm riding a bike!!! I probably have dog biscuits in my basket! lol


That's all I've got. Again... really sorry.

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