Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Erin Berjaine Weekly Newsletter
MS PAINT Christmas Contest Winner!



The WINNER of the 2009 MS Paint Christmas contest is ... *DAH DAH DA DAHHHHHH*


STUPID KITTENS!

The winning artist is Bob Evans. Interesting fact - Bob also won last year's Christmas MS Paint contest!! Even MORE interesting fact - Bob cheated in order to win last year!!

Congrats!

Let's take another look at Bob's winning entry. Some* may say that it is, in fact, a masterpiece.

* only Bob





Merry Christmas, everyone!!!!!!!!! ... and to all a good night.



Sunday, December 20, 2009

MS Paint Contest - Christmas Edition


Here are the four entries for our Ms Paint Christmas contest. Thanks to all who entered!

Please vote in the comments section below. Voting ends Tuesday night. :) The winning winner will be announced on Wednesday December 23.


Entry #1:





Entry #2:




Entry #3:




Entry #4:

Friday, December 18, 2009

Winner 'Draws' a Controversy



One year ago, I was an innocent young lad, with full trust in people. Shining eyes, a ready wit... I had the world in my tender young hands.

Then I opened up a fun contest on my blog - a Christmas MS PAINT contest. I asked my lovely readers to enter. We had a tie, and then an alleged concession, and a winner was crowned. This was the winning submission last year:




It was only days later that I found out that the concession actually came from the "winner" impersonating our runner up in the contest! He had not won fair and square. It was the KGWN's first (and only) controversy. You can take a walk down memory lane by clicking here. (If you can stomach it.)

However, let me now say.... I have finally healed. I accept the deceit, I accept the lies. And may I say, there couldn't have been a better cheating winner. His entry was fab!


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Christmas MS Paint Contest!



Hey Pals!

The time for holly jolly Christmas follies is upon us! And you know what that means - it's also time for the Erin Berjaine Christmas MS Paint contest!

Please draw me your best Christmas picture using MS Paint. Entry deadline is Friday, December 18th. The winner will be announced on December 22. Please email me your wonderful submissions: kegermain@Hotmail.com

Some ideas for a picture:

  • A Christmas turkey dancing to the tune of jingle bells!
  • Santa and Mrs Claus canoodling!
  • A precocious Christmas kitten climbing into a stocking!
  • A Christmas dinner eating a person!
  • Candy canes riding a Christmas pony!

See? The ideas are endless*!

*those are all the ideas I could muster




Good luck and Merry Chrissymas!!!!!!!


Friday, December 4, 2009



Tuesday, November 24, 2009

A Hairy Herring?


So today, I got to thinking...

How cute would fish be if they had hair??? Am I right??!





Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Get in the Jaucsi With Baldylocks!

Or "When Online Resort Reviews Go Wrong"





I've been doing a lot of research on resorts lately. Part of that research includes reading endless reviews by previous patrons. Here is one review that was quite a bit more interesting than the others:


" Honeymoon "

Submitted By: ********


Seeview room with jaucsi on balcony. Free bottle of champagne every mornin. Loved everything about the resort,food brilliant,entertainment,brilliant drinks brilliant. The stay there can not be outdone. But when got home, wife f*%@d off with her X. Enjoy The Tequila bar,its fab.


Cheers from Baldylocks. xxx


Perhaps she didn't appreciate his spelling and language? Or the fact that he stayed at the Tequila Bar the whole honeymoon. Strange that she wouldn't want to enjoy "jaucsi"s with Baldylocks for the rest of her days. She's clearly missing out.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

EBWN Comic

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Erin Berjaine's Juicy Celebrity Gossip!
condensed

If you've ever tried sifting through the internet pages of Celebrity Gossip sites, you know how difficult it is to find the goods. You have to read through thousands and thousands of stories to find the juice. There you are with your empty gossip juice glass out, ready to be filled, hands shaking for the juice... and then ... nothing. You look and look, and nothing. There is so much filler out there.

I've decided to do the celebrity gossip site sifting FOR you! I'll then condense the goods for your reading enjoyment.

Here is the condensed Celebrity Gossip for today, November 5, 2009:

  • Lady Gaga wore a wig.

  • It's Kevin Jonas' birthday today. He's still ugly.

  • Nicholas Cage did something or said something with tired looking eyes and a concerned brow.

  • Two ladies wore the same dress to a fashion event. There was a poll conducted on a website... and 56% of readers preferred one of the girls in the outfit, while 44% preferred the other one in it.

  • It is still unclear who Mischa Barton is.

  • Madonna went out walking. She was wearing leggings.

  • Elton John was sick but now he's better.

  • Dan Rather is handsome.

  • Amy Winehouse has been tanning and got her hair trimmed.

  • Nicole Forrester confirms she had sex with Josh Duhamel!! (unfortunately, no one knows who either of these people are.)

  • Adam Lambert is ready for love! Horray!1

  • Kirstie Alley dyed her hair a different color than it was before.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Winner(S) Announced:
Halloween MS Paint Contest


We interrupt your regular internet surfing to announce...



THE WINNER of the
Erin Berjaine Weekly Newsletter Halloween MS Paint Contest!

(... well... make that winnerS.)
We had a tie between two entries. So they are both little Halloween Winners!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Winner #1 is ... "LADY PUMPKIN FACE!" by CHRISTIE!!!



Winner #2 is ... "MEOW-LLOWEEN!" By SHERRI!!!!



Congratulations to both winners. And thanks again to all who entered the contest!! It was a tight competition - as tight as... the... bones on a skeleton. No wait. ... as tight as a zombie's... face.... before it turns into a zombie.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!! Remember to eat your Halloween Apples!!!!!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

HALLOWEEN MS Paint Contest!
Grab your pumpkins & head to the polls!


Here are the entries for our Halloween MS Paint contest! Please vote for the entry (by number or name) that you like best in the comments section below.

Winner receives 2 bushels of HALLOWEEN APPLES and a cup of cheer!!!


Entry #1 "Halloween Party Boy"




Entry #2 : "Halloweiner"




Entry #3: Scary Hallow's Eve




Entry #4: "Lady Pumpkin Face"




Entry #5: "Shamon"




Entry #6: "MEOW-LLOWEEN"



One person entered two, so this one isn't up for votes (to remain fair.) But here it is for your enjoyment... Kate Gosselin in pumpkin form:



The winner will be announced on Friday morning!

Special thank-a-yews to all who entered & all who vote! I love you!!!


Happy Halloween!!!


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Halloween MS Paint Contest!


Well, look what the pumpkin dragged in.

If you look outside, you will see that the fields are filled with harvest stuff. The pumpkins are blooming, the wheat is probably being shorn, the horns they are a'plenty ...etc etc. This means that it's time for Halloween! AND it means it's time for our Halloween MS Paint Contest! Hurrah!!!

I've done 2 to get us started:





I couldn't get too crazy with my paintings, re: shaky hands and lack of skill. But I know YOU and I know you can do better. So, please email me your Halloween MS Paint submissions by Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at midnight. The winner will be announced on Friday, October 30! My email is kegermain@hotmail.com .

The winner receives... HALLOWEEN APPLES!!!!!!!!! Also, cheer.

In closing, here are some nice Halloween pictures I'd like to share with you:











Thursday, October 8, 2009

And Now - Another Installment of...
LOLing with Kijiji



hahahahaha... this Kijiji Ad KILLS me! It's such a bad deal:

- WILL TRADE 2 BAD CATS FOR 1 GOOD CAT -



Date Listed05-Oct-09
AddressEdmonton, AB



ONLY SERIOUS INQUIRES NEED REPLY

Visits: 98



Tuesday, October 6, 2009

People Rules: What Not To Do




I want to share with you a few People Rules that I think may have been forgotten in recent years. There are things that aren't really acceptable behavior that happen quite often in this world of ours. Far too often.

~ Hugs should last under four seconds, unless there is a special reason for it to last longer (sad recipient, congratulatory hug, just being married.) All other hugs must remain under 4 seconds. And please keep in mind, 4 seconds is the absolute maximum. I know someone who hugs people for 15-20 seconds EVERY TIME. Even for "hello" hugs. Although thankfully this person has never hugged me, it still makes me uncomfortable to be in the same room when said hugging goes down.

~ When you borrow someones chair at work, or ask to sit in their chair for a minute because you have some work to do at their computer, it is NOT OKAY to comment on the warmth of their chair. Inappropriate comments include (but are not limited to):

"Oooohh... hot chair ;) !"


"Wow, this is warm!"

"Mmmm... cozy!"


Essentially, you are talking about something that is related to your co-workers bum... and this is NOT APPROPRIATE!!!! The only exception to this rule is if you are very close friends with your employee and both of you have a good sense of humor and you are JOKING.



~ Hey, all of us sometimes get a "frog in our throat." It's science. But it is NOT ACCEPTABLE to hork up phlegm in the presence of others unless you are extremely close to the person (emotionally) or you absolutely can't help it. Horking up phlegm into a kleenex while at the office is not okay. Hawking your throat stuff up in a restaurant is even worse. Seriously.

~ Don't eat Mcdonalds in a Doctor's waiting room. Whether people love McDonalds or hate McDonalds, no one wants to smell it in close quarters when they're not also eating it. NO ONE. Apologizing while you pull out your grub doesn't make it any better.



KGWN Readers submitted some of the People Rules they think some people need to be reminded of. Here they are:

~ When someone texts incessantly while you're hanging out it's really irritating.

~ How about acknowledging a friendly "good morning" or "hello" instead of being an ignorant bastard (this happens to me at work a lot.) They just keep their jerk faces turned to their computer screen and answer me with stony silence. Dicks.

~ If you don't know how to drive... don't drive.

~ Please don't talk during a movie... do it for yourself. Nobody wants to pay 13 bucks to have a conversation.

~ Even on a crowded bus there are ways to mind others personal space.

~ When someone says thank you, give a warm smile and say you're welcome.




Wednesday, September 16, 2009

ASSSSSSSSKKKK KARYN!
Drunk & Smoochy



Dear AAAAAAASSSSSSSSSKKKKKKK KARYN,


Last weekend I had a most splendid evening with a very old and very dear friend. We shared a bottle of wine, a decade of memories, and many, many laughs.


All was well until we uncorked bottle number two… then started chugging orange AlizĂ©… then before we knew it, we had hit the town in a crowded club, and were making out to classic Backstreet Boys tunes on the dancefloor


So, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASKKKKK Karyn, my question to you is… Why do tasty drinks often turn into bitter regrets? And what kind of toothpaste should I buy to cleanse my oral palate?


Signed,
Drunk & Smoochy

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Drunk & Smoochy,


Well, one of the most visible ways alcohol affects an individual is the loss of inhibitions observed in those with blood alcohol levels as low as .01%! You see, the prefrontal cortex, located at the anterior end of the frontal lobes, is specifically responsible for normal control of impulses.

........... just kidding.

Actually, I think it's cuz... like... alchy-hol tastes super duper good and makes our brains and hearts feel really free :D :D :D And we drink it and gargle it and laugh and dance.

Out of curiosity, Drunk & Smoochy, can you anonymously tell us... do you not like-like your friend like that? Does she like-like YOU? Is it awkward now? Give us the juice!! Our juice cups are out & ready to be filled with the JUICE! Juice us up, Scotty!

... oh, and sorry for all your troubles.


Love,

ASKKKKSKSKKSKKK KARYN



(Please note: the whole dancing to the Backstreet Boys thing remains a mystery. I have no advice to give about that. Just let the rhythm take you, man. Just let the rhythm take you.)

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Cats: They Have Rhythm, Too





I don't know about you, but when I had a cat, there was one question that kept crossing my mind: "I wonder if my cat can dance?" Right? We've all thought it, we've all wondered about it late into the night. "Would he enjoy dancing?" "Am I suppressing his inner rhythm?"


Well, imagine my surprise and delight* when I found this website. They offer "Feline Dance Classes" and tell us, "
Remember, cat dancing is a joyful, beautiful and healthful learning experience you can enjoy with your cat and we wish you and your cat well in your new found purpose together."

I also enjoy THIS gem that explains how one would learn to dance with an animal who usually hates being touched: "As most cats do not take kindly to a sudden change in environment, especially one where other cats may be present along with loud music and dancing, people do not bring their cats to class. Instead they use stuffed (toy) cats. Most dance studios ... require students to buy their own. You can expect to spend about $20 for a reasonable stuffed cat, but $50 will buy a top of the line, life-size bendable model that is perfect for most movements."


I'm actually not even sure what to say about this... perhaps I don't need to say anything. I think the website speaks for itself. But, may I just say in all seriousness, that if I ever tried "dancing" with my cat, she would have killed me. ...Killed me and then done the fox trot right out of the room.



*shock and disgust


Please Note: This blog in no way encourages the stereotype of cat lovers being "crazy." We are simple folk who just enjoy the finer things in life: petting soft fur, opening food cans that smell up a room, and dancing late into the night with a furry friend in our tender arms. Nothing out of the ordinary here.


Look at the form in their haunches!!!!!!!!


Old timey cats liked dancing, too.


UNCE UNCE UNCE


Monday, August 24, 2009

FREE - One Devil Cat! Act NOW!!!


hahaahahaha!!! Look at this Kijiji Ad I just found, while browsing the ol' internet for a new kitten:

One devil cat
Address:
Edmonton, AB
Date Listed: 23-Aug-09


Free to ANY home. e-mail chrisbaxter3@me.com


I realize it's kind of not funny... but... if it's not
funny then why did I laugh out loud when I read it??? That said, I do hope that the "devil cat" finds a home. But it won't be mine.

Friday, August 21, 2009

~LOLing With Kijiji~


One of my favorite things to do is read through Kijiji ads. Sure, 90% of them are normal and lovely, but the 10% of sick, weird or stupid posts makes it worth the time to root through. Here are some that I came across this morning:




Wanted: Looking for a personal loan
Address:
Edmonton
Date Listed: 15-Aug-09

my name is clayton I just started a new job I need a personal loan asap of about $15000 contact clayton @ 780-239-8302


Wow! What a great deal for us readers! You guys better contact him before I do. I like how he thinks he can just sort of demand a loan and get people flocking to the phone???


brad
Address:
Edmonton, AB, T5J 4J5
Date Listed: 27-Jul-09

hey im brad i need a part time job i can only work after 5 and on weekends becuse i am in the army just need some extra cash

I just like that the subject line of this really professional "Looking for Work" advertisement is "brad." hahaha. Also, NO capital letters used in the ad. Good work, brad.


just hade a babie i need a better job looking 4offers
Address:
Edmonton, AB, T5W 3G2
Date Listed: 28-Jun-09

my name is mike im 24 i work hard and and i can do allmost anything i lern fast to .i dont have a truck but i can get to ware i need to go.ill do whatever you need done or help with i have exp with all tools jackhammerrs ect . have done small concrete jobs fences gradge doors 1 year taping litthe rusty thair . bording all sorts of stuff . i want fulltime long hours and if possable sum overtime if you are contacting me i will not go into marketing so dont bother i am looking pay 4 hours
mike 780 660 5506

Do I really need to explain why this one is funny?? I might go to hell for making fun of this new-father down on his luck... but does he not have Microsoft Word??? You know, spell check??? Perhaps a caps lock key??? ughhhh. Terrible terrible terrible. And it's spelled BABY. B-A-B-Y. You just had a BABY. Also, "i lern fast to" ??? goodbye.

And here are a couple of "Missed Connections" ads:


walmart clairview
Location:
Edmonton Region Edmonton
Date Listed: 18-Aug-09

very busty older lady i smiled want to meet u im the 44 year old guy brn hair its a shot in the dark but i must try thanks.

hahahahaha. Sick.



I really like this "Missed Connection":

Purple/bluish pigeon at Sir Winston Churchill Square - 05-Aug-09
Location:
Edmonton Region Edmonton
Date Listed: 07-Aug-09

I was on my to work, you were picking bread crumbs off the ground. Our eyes locked for a second...and then a few more gazes. I really wanted to feed you bird seed, but didn't have any and was late for a board meeting. I went back on Thursday, but didn't see you. Brought seeds but alas, no such luck. All alone with the other birds. Do pigeons migrate? Have you gone South to Cabo San Lucas for the winter. Please respond. I know we could have something special.


Monday, August 17, 2009

Two cups lettuce, one cup beef, one cup strawberries, one cup vinegar. yum!



I know that I am in the minority on this one, but I must say that I'm not a fan of people putting fruit in otherwise normal salads. You know the salads I'm talking about - the green lettuce with the pine nuts and the nectarines and vinaigrette dressing. Who on earth would want to eat a nectarine with vinegar on it? Yuck. I just think it's weird and doesn't belong. The part that bothers my palate the most is the sweet fruit mixed with the savory or vinegary dressings. Sweets do not belong in there.

"hey! Let's put grapes in with this avocado salad! That way people won't know if they're eating sweets or savory! haha What fun!"

"You know what would be delicious along with this really strong-tasting spinach? Cranberries and friggin grapefruit wedges."

Worse yet, adding raisins. Nothing gets better by adding raisins. Except for bread. It's a fact.

Whatever happened to the days of yonder, when "salad" meant green lettuce, a few veggies and a nice savory dressing?? Or - and we're getting fancy here - a lovely Caesar salad?

My cousins' husbands actually started complaining about this a while back - they were asking why every single salad they ate had to have fruit in it. They wanted something manlier, a good old-fashioned salad, something more "salad-y." My cousins asked what they would like in a salad instead.
Thus was born "The Man Salad." It has lettuce, ham and cheese in it. With ranch dressing. hahaha. I thought it was a great invention - and delicious!

And to all of you wrinkling your noses at me right now, thinking "Gee whiz, she's soooo unrefined" - I say this: What would you think if I started adding onions and cabbage to fruit salad?

Maybe next time I'm asked to bring a salad somewhere, I'll cut up a few thick chunks of radish or beef and toss them in with apples and caramel dressing. It's the exact same thing. And it's sick.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Something For Everyone*!

*one or two people might be pleased





I've been thinking about phrases that have gone the way of the dodo bird. Number one on my list?

"Gone the way of the dodo bird."

Am I right??

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Has anyone deleted any Facebook friends recently? I have... and when I went to delete him/her, a Facebook pop-up window said this "do you really want to remove this connection?" Huh?? It used to say "do you really want to remove this friend?" I was confused. I liked that it said "Remove Friend" because it's more concrete, very clear-cut. "Removing a connection" sounds so flimsy. If I'm deleting you, I want something tangible, man!!!!! Give me a pop-up window with balls!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


At work, I usually listen to finetune... it's a site where you can create and listen to playlists of songs. I hadn't listened to this one playlist I had made in quite a while and thought I'd play it today. So I was relaxing, enjoying audio gems from yesteryear and tapping my foot quietly to hip songs......

Well, that didn't last long. Let me tell you that the most embarrassing song to come up at work when your boss walks up and stands next to you is: "Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely" by The Backstreet Boys. Don't ask me what I was thinking two years ago when I made the playlist... all I know is my poor little cheeks got red galore. ugh. So embarrassing.

SHOW ME THE MEANING OF BEING LONELY (beeeein lone-lay)

Second most embarrassing song to come up when your boss is next to you? A loud, shouty, romantic country duet by husband-wife team Faith Hill and Tim McGraw. No, I did not learn my lesson after the Backstreet fiasco. However, I have now shut down finetune and am listening to songs that came with my Windows Media Player.
Right now something called "Piano Blues 1" by "Corel Software" is playing. It is terrible... but it's safe.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

ummm




Sometimes I sign into my blog because I have something really important or funny* to say. And sometimes I sign in because it's been more than a week since my last bloody post & the masses are getting antsy* for some sweet bloggings. So here we go...


*only happened once in previous 12 months
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok... so... umm look at this new emoticon I just made:

:9)

It's cute, hey? I really like it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Those of you who want to draw something Michael Jackson related in MS Paint for a KGWN contest, please email your submissions to me - kegermain@hotmail.com . If we only get one submission, YOU WIN!!!

What is the prize, you ask? Well, you greedy bastard, if I was rich the prize would be a gift certificate to Kricket's Family Restaurant and a balloon bouquet delivered to your place of employment. As it is, the prize is TWO THOUSAND E-SMILES FROM KARYN!!!!! So... if that's not incentive galore, I don't know what is.

p.s. :9)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Update on the KFC fiasco: I still haven't gone in to claim my free chicken dinner. I feel kind of dumb doing it ... plus last time I went in, there was a whole group of scary truckers in line behind me and I didn't want them to overhear my pleadings. hahaha. And now it's been a month, so I'm sure that the piece of paper my Special Complaining Name was written on has long been thrown out. :9(

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Is It Too Soon?


I have strong feelings against speaking badly of the deceased. I don't like it and I don't do it. ... ................

............ however, I also have strong feelings about not having anything to blog about this week. I mean sure, I got a new cat wallet and then yesterday after I did laundry, I found raisins in the dryer (seemingly from my clothes???). And while both of these sound like really fantastic blog ideas, I find myself leaning toward something else.

It has been suggested to me that we have a Michael Jackson MS Paint contest. Sweet, talented MJ. The ol' Jacksa-roo.

I'm on the fence, though. Is it too soon to "poke paint" at him? Is that a saying?

What do you think? Is it too soon?



Thursday, July 16, 2009

Some Graphs For Laughs!!!!

















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